True Confession

How do I put into words what is going on right now?

I have a tumor. 

Ok, so that was easy.

I have a tumor, but it doesn't define me. I have a tumor, but do not know if it is cancerous yet. I have a tumor and when the doctor gave me the worst case scenario, my heart sunk into my stomach and my tumor felt like it weighed 80 lbs.

When I walked out of the doctors office I declared to myself that I would start being a better wife. That I would support Kevin through this time, because I almost feel like he needs it more than me. A support system, I mean. My heart ached for him so bad and when I looked up at him, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be what he needed me to be b/c the puppy dog look he had on his face. I should have been strong, but I broke down instead. And he was the perfect husband and did what he was supposed to. It made me ache so much more for him.

After work, I couldn't go home. I still couldn't go be that wife I declared myself to be. And, goodness, I couldn't go look in my baby boys eyes knowing my worst case scenario. I went shopping instead. I think I must have looked at every.single.thing Hobby Lobby had in their store 2 times each. It's a big store, too. I ended up buying a decorative bird house that was 50% off. I don't like birds, but something about this bird house kept calling me back to it.

I'm not a super religious person, but I definitely have a relationship with God. He gets me. He gets me so good. And there are these dynamic times where I finally realize that He gets me and I let Him lead me and show me things that only He could make happen. This bird house for example, it was His way of telling me to stop being fearful. He is in control and He has my back no matter what. Face your fears He said. And so I bought this bird house, not that a real bird is going in it, but it's a reminder. A reminder that fears are just a feeling and just b/c you're fearful of something doesn't mean it will harm you.

On the drive home, I balled my eyes out. God released me. I had India Arie's Video on repeat and boy did I sing and cry and sing and cry. Replacing the lyrics I will always be India Arie with a very slow I will always be A N G EEEE. I wasn't afraid that I was crying too hard that I might not be driving the best and get pulled over. I almost had a feeling of welcoming a cop to stop me. I swear I would of hugged him/her so tight and just let it all out. Can't you just see me now? I have a tumor, but I'm ok. I bought a bird house and I am a Queen. They probably would have taken me to the psyche ward. LOL.

It felt good to let it out. A good, hard cry. When I was almost home, I changed lanes and God so perfectly placed a car in front of me that said Life is Good on the back. I couldn't help but smile.

Yesterday, when I broke down too, He so perfectly woke my baby up and I heard his sweet voice over the monitor. Cries are freeing, but remembering that Life is Good and hearing Kaiden's voice is so so much better. I ran to his room and hugged him so tight. We played a game on his changing table after that for a good 20 mintues. I'll never get enough of his laugh.

I couldn't help but ask Kevin last night if he'll be able to accurately convey to Kaiden how much I really love him if I died. It was so unfair, and no, I don't think I'm going to die, but my mind can't help but go there sometimes. In perfect husband fashion, he started naming little stuff I do with Kaiden that shows how much I love him. My favorite? You hide his knees.  That's the game I had just made up on his changing table. Even though I said that he couldn't just come up with stuff I just did, it made my heart smile. Those ARE the things I hope Kaiden remembers when he's older. Those are my favorite times with him. So carefree, so beautiful.

So, I have a tumor and I have yet to be the supportive wife I want to be.

Oh, but I have a bird house. I have a song. I have a wonderful, supportive husband. I have a child that lights up my soul. I have family that loves and prays for me. Best of all, though, I have a God that shows me His ways that only I can understand and appreciate. He knows me so so well. He has my back no matter what my worst case scenario is. He has a plan and I trust and believe in this plan.

Oh My Goodness!

I haven't blogged in almost 2 weeks! 

But, that's ok. I was enjoying time with family. Taking airplane rides. Reading books. Trying to stay calm through many 2 year old tantrums. Snuggling and kissing. Laughing. Eating. Jumping in waves. Playing ring around the rosie in the pool. Hearing old stories. Creating new ones. Giving in to cookies and chocolate milk. Getting a baby to coo. Making plans and not doing them. Playing fetch with doggies. Singing. Dancing. Getting excited, and a little fearful, that my munchkin can now open doors. Watching movies. Getting my toes done. Smiling. Sweating. Enjoying.

More to come soon...

He loves school, but not new shoes!

Kevin had a work event early this morning, so I got the privilege of taking Kaiden to school. He followed me around all morning as I got ready saying things like:

"Lets go mama!"

"Mama come with me?"

"Bye bye dada!" every time he saw Kev throughout the house. He does this to me every morning usually, like ok, I know you're not taking me to school, so get going already! ha!

"I no like apple juice." after he asked for it b/c he saw me taking my vitamin with a swig.

"Other juice!" as he handed me his cup, letting me know he wanted V8 Splash instead. =)

"Hi mama!" as he looked up at me in the mirror as I did my makeup with a huge smile and a wave.

"Where mama shoes?" as I said ok, I'm ready, go give dada a kiss. He likes order, so I obliged and put on my shoes, then we went to give dada a kiss goodbye.

and his new favorite,

"Carry me?" with his arms up, looking at me with his sweet eyes, as we are getting ready to walk out the door.

I love him so so much!

And because I love him so so much and mama doesn't take him to school very often, we stopped for a special treat at Starbucks. Ok, it was really a pit stop for me b/c I didn't have time to make my coffee. However, when we got to the drive thru window,  he asked "where my choc-y milk?" I wasn't sure if they had any, but figured I'd ask b/c I love him so so much. =) They did and he was happy!!

When we got to school, he said he was done with his poptart and choc-y milk. I went around and scooped him up and brought him inside. We walked into his classroom and the kids were all eating breakfast. One kid exclaimed excitedly "hi Kaiden!" and my baby smiled real big. I handed him to his teacher and he held on really tight to me and hid his head. Under his hidden head was a grin from ear to ear. The teacher said he likes this game of pretending he doesn't want to stay..and that's a good thing! No more tears for a few weeks now!! Whoop! I put his stuff away and gave him a kiss on the cheek as I told him I loved him. He was like yeah yeah, bye already. I walked out and gazed at him through the window as he took his place with the other kids his friends. My baby is so big. He makes me so proud!

I got in the car and laughed at what I saw waiting for me. Kaiden leaves little parts of  himself all over and it makes my heart smile.

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On another note, we've run into a little problem. He doesn't want to wear any new shoes! We got the ones he wears on a regular basis before his birthday. Needless to say, they are getting a bit worn. All his other ones are too small. He gets excited about new shoes, but just doesn't want to wear them. I got him this pair the other day and dada calls them superhero shoes. He loves them! He just doesn't want to wear them and pretty much goes into panic mode when we try to put them on.

Aren't they cute? Yeah, this is the third pair we've tried. I'll probably be returning them tonight. I guess I'll be trying Kevin's suggestion and getting the same ones he has. I hope they have his size. LOL. And, more importantly, I hope he wears them b/c his current shoes are starting to peel. Oh, the things you don't expect and have to overcome with a 2 year old! There's never a dull moment...=)

Perfect Day

It all started when Kevin came in from outside and said today is the perfect day.

Perfect day for what?

The zoo! he said.

Oh, but our little spirited Kaiden had other plans for us, so he thought.

I believe Kevin's exact words after about an hour and a half later when we finally settled Kaiden into his carseat were well, that was a rough morning.

My thoughts exactly, my friend, my thoughts exactly.

I didn't want to say it then, but I definitely had strong feelings that the zoo was going to be a waste on this perfect-weather morning. But luckily, my man was determined.

It started with the elephants. The big, yet gentle, smelly, yet beautiful creatures that usually have their butts to you. Ahhh, yes, you know the ones. Well, on this perfect morning, they were right at the fence and we had our own private viewing of this beauty.

Kaiden was impressed and focused on the facts. "Elephant eating." he would say in a nervous but proud voice as he stared at the giant animal in front of him transferring grass to its mouth with its loooong nose. "Yes, elephant eating, baby. How awesome is that?!?" Awesome.

It was a peaceful, magical sight and I focused more on its eyes. It had very peaceful eyes and I was mesmerized for as long as I could be with a toddler in tow. "Bye! Bye! Elephant!" he exclaimed and we were on to the next.

We saw several great and beautiful animals as Kaiden was screaming (with excitement) to see "Kunkeys!" and oh, did we ever luck out with the Gorilla. You know, the animal you NEVER see b/c they always seem to be too far away, hiding or sleeping or something. Well, at least at the KC zoo. =) But, not on our perfect day. We got there just as it was feeding time! The zookeeper called its name and he/she slowly walked up. Wow! I could not even believe it! Kaiden thought it was cool as he tried to catch apples and missed! "Missed it! Almost got it!" he would say in laughter. Then a loud and proud "Got it!" when the Gorilla finally caught one.

"Bye! Bye! Kunkey!!" and on to the next...

We didn't have much luck with the Lions, as the male was sleeping and the females were hiding. So we took this moment for a cute photo op. I love my boys!!

And then Rhinos, Giraffes, Zebras, oh my!

Kaiden was most excited about the Ostriches in this section though. I don't think I was even aware that he knew what an Ostrich was. That's my boy!!

"Bye, bye, Giraffe! Bye, bye, Zebra! Bye, bye, Ostrich!"

 And our perfect day just kept getting better. We made it to the Hippos at feeding time, too!

I've never seen a Hippo out of the water. Geez! they are HUGE with tiny little legs. And wow! their mouths are insane. The zookeeper that was feeding them backed up slowly when she ran out of food and one of the hippos was not happy about it. lol. Not a job for the skittish, that's for sure.

And, man oh man, it didn't stop there! When we got to the Baboons, they put on a little show just for us. There was a wild one, a teenager it seemed, that was just running all around and chasing squirrels. He was a trip and that was entertaining enough to me and Kaiden! He was laughing up a storm!! Then this mama came out with a little baby who wanted to play, too. The baby and the teenager (as I'm calling it) were playing chase and the teenager bit the baby! Oh my! and then all of a sudden dada came out of nowhere and bucked up on the teenager and as I'm sure you could guess, the teenager backed off. The dada Baboon got a branch of leaves and went off with the baby to eat. It was so awesome!! I was too busy enjoying the show to take pics, but told Kev to get one so Kaiden could remember what happened.

Before we left Africa, we went around to see the Cheetahs a second time b/c they were hiding (like always) the first time around. I could only see the tops of their heads and their tales wagging. Kaiden got to see them, though, with his tall viewing spot on dada's shoulder. I'm so glad he got to see them because, you know, they are his favorite just like his mama. =) ..or so he said that day. ha!

After that, we made a pit stop at the birds. Kaiden LOVES peacocks and oh, on this perfect day, my baby got a show! I think it's safe to say that this was his favorite part of the day. The male peacock, you know, the pretty one, was putting on a show, looking for a lady (the zookeeper said). He would fluff his feathers, then turn around and kind of shake his little booty. Then turn back around to show off his feathers again. Kaiden thought this was hysterical!! He thought he was playing hide and seek and shaking his booty as a dance. Which I'm pretty sure is exactly what that little guy was doing. It was too cute! Kaiden was thrilled and we stayed and watched for a good while. He kept talking about it later that day, too. =)

We then stopped for a potty break and lunch.

Kaiden enjoyed making funny faces and taking pictures more than eating!

Here's the work of my little creative soul. He has talent, I'm telling ya!

 

We kept distracted long enough to see the Sea Lion show. Kaiden enjoyed watching the Sea Lion swim around, but got a little nervous when it got up on the rock.

These things are so smart. This little guy knew that the crowd gathering meant he was going to get fed soon and waited patiently for his lunch!

After about 10 minutes into the show, Kaiden was ready to go stating "Sea Lion scare me." So off we went.

"Bye, bye, Sea Lion!"

Then we went home, he napped and later that evening we enjoyed a family swim.

It was such a perfect day!!

Boy Time

Yesterday, I gave Kaiden and Kev some quality time alone since we are going to be leaving dada for a week soon. =(

They went to go look for some new shoes. Kaiden wanted to bring his "kunkey back pack" with nothing in it. LOL. He was so fricken cute with that thing on! Here he is waiting for his dada to come get him.

While the boys were off doing their thing, Jo and I got some sister time in and did some shopping. While we were out, Kevin sent me this pic of Kaiden having dinner while watching basketball. Oh, ya gotta love boy time! =)

Cool Like That

We woke up this morning, ate breakfast and read every book in the living room. Yes, some mornings we don't watch gabba! ;-) He's kind of obsessed with his books right now. He likes to read every.single.one.in.one.sitting. and I love it.

I want to point out that he made me change him into his elmo pjs this morning. Last night he opted for a polo and underwear over his diaper for sleepy time. Yes, I said a POLO. ha!

We then got to stackin' and sortin'.

and playin' cards

We also went ahead and got crazy with a game of bowling in the kitchen. The ONE good thing about our kitchen is that its a great place for bowling. Who woulda thought?

When you don't make a strike in Kaiden's World...no worries, man...

just kick 'em down and cheer about it! it's alllll good!

We then went outside to blow bubbles and enjoy our snack

He had a poopy diaper after snack and made me chase him around the yard to check it. ha! He was begging to run up the hill instead of change his diaper, but, of course, I refused. While changing his diaper I could tell he was super tired, so decided to lay him down for a nap at 11, two hours earlier than his normal time. Maybe he's getting on his school schedule finally?? Who knows. But he fought it of course and said he wanted to run up the hill. I told him that we would after his nap.

2:30 rolls around and I hear the munchkin over the monitor. First thing he wants is water. Can you guess the second?

.

.

.

.

.

Yup! To run up the hill! So, that's what we did and he has the grass stains on his shorts to prove it. Then we had lunch and took Jo to work. He ate more when we got home and for the rest of the night was a human garbage disposal. =)

He also practiced some new wrestling moves with dada.

And hid  under our shirts "in our bellies"

My favorite part of the day, though, was after his bath time.

I sat on the toilet, scooped him up in a towel and cuddled him for a bit. When I got up he started screaming something I didn't understand at first.

Turns out he was screaming "sleep on potty!"

ha! That was a first.

He didn't want his diaper or pjs on. He just wanted to snuggle on me wrapped up in his towel.

Do I even have to say that these are the moments that truly melt my heart?

Well, it did.

So, I sat and snuggled. I eventually convinced him to put on a diaper and shirt with a promise of more snuggling in our room on the papasan.

And we snuggled.

And it was great!

Kev and I put him to bed after a bit and we ended the night with kisses and marching.

Oh, you didn't know? I demands we MARCH out of his room when we put him to sleep.

Yeah, he's cool like that! =)

Red White Blue

Saturday, we went to a small town parade about 20 minutes from our house. We found our perfect spot and gave Kaiden his flag to wave. To our surprise, he had a song about the flag that he learned from school.

Here he is singing Red White Blue just swinging away

Of course, I was a PROUD mama!

He enjoyed the parade quite a bit! He waved at the people on floats, enjoyed some candy, saw horses, firetrucks, motorcycles, oh my! 

He got a lot of little goodies, including this cute hat!

After the parade was done, we headed over to the carnival.

Kaiden played his first carnival game and won his first carnival prize!

And no matter how much I tried to convince him to ride some other rides, he only wanted to ride the "horsey ride" over and over. But his smile was totally worth it!

He even tried to make a run for it to get a free ride! ha ha

We then headed home for lunch and he passed out in the car. Usually when this happens, he doesn't nap that day. So, yeah, he only got a 20 minute nap when he used to 3-4 hours. Needless to say, he was in bed early that night so we didn't get to see fireworks. The next night though, we set some off in the backyard and he said it hurt his eyes. At least he wasn't scared of the sound! =) He enjoyed some of our neighbors fireworks earlier on Sunday and said he liked the colors.

We had a great 4th of July weekend!!

Here are two videos of him singing Red White Blue

I love how he keeps telling us to sing with him in this one. Please excuse mine and Jo's singing! ha!