Trying.

I've always loved the clouds in Kansas. They are so amazingly beautiful. Don't you agree?

This is me, trying to enjoy the small, beautiful things in life while I feel my world is a bit upside down right now. Kaiden was hysterical this morning when I was trying to leave for work. He wasn't even going to school today. Tuesday's are his day with Jo. So, yeah, it caught me a bit off guard. He is a super mama's boy lately which I L.O.V.E., but I'm having a hard time trying to balance the snuggle time-kiss the boo boo's-letting him go past the one more time rule-mama with the this-is-what's-best-for-you-mama. I mean, he's two. There is no reasoning with a two year old. He just cries and screams and wants me to hold him. He doesn't tell me what's wrong when he gets this way and it just breaks my heart. I want so badly to show him it will be ok. But, unfortunately, just leaving is the best option. The longer I stay, the more he'll cry, because I'm going to have to leave anyway. I hate leaving him when he's like that. It's just hard. I don't know what he's thinking, so I assume the worst. I just hope he knows I love him. I just hope he doesn't cry for long after I leave. I just hope he knows I am doing the best I can. I just want him to be ok and know that even when I'm not present, I'm still there. Always thinking of him, always trying to grow and change so I can be the best mama I can be.

I just hope this passes soon. I don't know how much more I can take.

Daycare & Sick Updates.

I think Kaiden finally broke his fever YESTERDAY! Poor kiddo. He was feverish and lethargic all weekend. The weather was rainy and cold, so it was a good excuse to cuddle and watch movies.

When we asked him yesterday if he was excited to go back to school, he said "NO!" and whimpered a bit.

Ugggh.

This morning he immediately asked for mama snuggles and when I told him he had to get dressed for school first, he cried and his tummy started making crazy noises. I calmed him down, got him dressed and we snuggled. When Kevin came in to put on his shoes, he lost it again. I just wiped his tears, told him it would be ok and that he was going to have fun. He whimpered "Kaiden play?" and I said "yes honey, you're going to play and have fun and dada will pick you up after work." And with that, an amazing thing happened. He calmed himself down, let me put on his jacket, gathered up his food, gave his mama a kiss and was ready to go!

Wow! My little guy is growing up. =) It was such a proud mama moment. It truly melted my heart.

Kevin said he did good on the drive there, but lost it again when they got inside. Kevin just called them for an update and they said he hasn't eaten much lunch, but is drinking his milk. They said he was still a little unsure, but did sit down and color with his teacher.

My stomach hurts.

The emotional pain that you have for your child when you know he is going through tough times is unexplainable. It takes over my whole body. I just want to quit my job, run to the daycare, scoop him up and tell him I will never leave him again.

But, that probably wouldn't be good for any of us. Especially him.

So, now, I sit here thinking the worse and just wanting to vent because I hate this. I really hate this! Everything about leaving your screaming 2 year old with a complete stranger just feels so wrong. I just can't imagine what must be going on in his head. Kevin tells me to give it time. The teachers tell me the same. Everyone does. So, with that, I am. But it sucks.

The grass looks so much greener on the other side. You know, the stay-at-home-mama side. I'm trying to be grateful for all the small things as well as look at the bigger picture and can only hope I am making the right decisions for him.

I can be sure of one thing though, my kid rocks! I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will continue to try to do the best things for him. Or what I think is best. I will love him unconditionally and make sure he always knows how much I love him. The rest, I can only hope will fall into place as it should.

This was taken on one of his few trips out since Thursday. We were taking Jo to work. Fever, pjs, sunglasses and a smile. The boy knows how to light up my life!!!!!

Sick & Pics (like Fish & Chips...but, uhhh...not)

Today is my day off and this morning when I went in to get Kaiden up, I saw that he had thrown up all over his bed last night! =( He had a bit of a fever, too. He was sooooo lethargic and just laid on the couch not really wanting to be touched, moved, asked to change his diaper and puked on shirt or even to wipe the crusted puke off of his cheek. So, I just sat by him. Every once in awhile asking him if he wanted juice, water or milk. He would say yes every now and again, so got pretty hydrated this morning, thank goodness. After a bit I got him to let me change his diaper and shirt and wipe off his face. He then laid on me and fell asleep.

When he woke up, he drank more liquids and ate some french toast (his request). After that we watched some tv and just snuggled. I check his fever again and it was 100.4 so I had to force him to take some Motrin. Then we took a bath. After all this, he seemed to be in better spirits. Poor little guy!!

Right now, he is snuggling on the couch with Kev (he's on his lunch break), so I'm bloggin'. I don't know if he is sick b/c he's just sick, exposed to new germs from school, or if he's just had a stressful week. I just hope my little babe feels better soon!!

I thought I'd share some pics from the past couple of weeks that I haven't had time to share before. I hope you enjoy!

I wish it was Wordless Wednesday.

Kaiden had a rough day at school today. It started this morning when he freaked out when I was trying to get in the shower. He didn't want me to leave him and I think knew once I got ready we'd be off to school. He ended up leaving the house in good spirits, but once we got into his classroom, he lost it. I mean really lost it. He was looking at me while he was screaming bloody murder like I was the worst person in the world. It broke my heart.

I got off work early to go pick him up. He looked like he had the roughest day of his life. =( The teacher said he had a rough morning, but better afternoon. He didn't eat lunch and didn't nap (even though he did stay on  his cot the whole time just reading books and resting...that's my boy!). He perked up a bit after milk and cookies for snack.

Poor boy was just worn down from the day, so we came home and snuggled and I put him to bed. He felt hot so I took his temp and it was 99.9. He slept for like an hour and woke up crying. We've all been snuggling since. He still won't eat anything.

I hope this gets better sooner than later.

Here is a pic from the other day. It was going to be a pic for Wordless Wednesday, but I had some stuff to share today. I'm going to go try to get him to eat again.

Sigh. I wish looking at pictures of me made him as happy & filled with overwhelming love and joy as looking at pictures of him make me. That way, at least I could make him smile today.

Big Boy Room!

So, now that his gabba party is over, I finally got to finish his big boy room! He loves it, I love it, it's a pretty cool room and I'm a little jealous I never had a cool room when I was young. HA! He started his new school yesterday and was a rock star. He did kind of freak out when I was leaving, but I think for his first day (ummm, 2 hours..I took a vacation day..lol) with strangers, he rocked it!!

It's only fitting to have a big boy room post for my new school-going big boy, right??? ;-) Enjoy!

 Going into his room..

 Here are the 4 corners of his room...

Usually his toolbox is under the clock and picture, but we had it outside yesterday and I haven't put it back yet...=)

Sorry this pic is so dark...I couldn't get it lighter on the camera..

Here are some special closeups. I got this monkey super hero pic off of Etsy and the monkey money bank from the Target dollar spot and the other money bank is from Mimi, for Easter. Yes, TWO money banks, the boy has mad cheddar, ya'll! lol.

These are little animals I painted. I referenced pics from Etsy. I think they turned out too cute!

This is just a quick sketch I did of the opening of Elmo's World..I had to have some Elmo in there!

Here's a closeup of his bedding...got it from Target and LOVE it!!

Here's his space in his closet (gotta make most of a small space!). The toy box is from his Granny and the art is from his baby room.

The End. Tell me what you think....

Kaiden's Actual Birthday!

The day after the gabba party was Kaiden's actual birthday. He had a rough night the night before since he missed his nap the day of his party, so we got a late start! We did decide to go to the petting zoo, though. He wasn't as interested in the animals this time and focused more on a tiny, yet super fun, playground. LOL. It was kind of a relief b/c I really didn't feel like walking around that darn petting zoo all afternoon. And, apparently, he didn't either! lol.

This particular playground had a ramp..

He had seen two older girls jump off the platform onto the ramp and he was sold!

And that, my friends, is what he did almost the entire time!

Hey! Whatever makes this little guy happy!!!! =)

Here's a little video of the fun he had!

And just to point out for my own purposes, I would like to document that I am VERY hands on with my babe. The pictures do not reflect that I played with him at the playground most of the time that day. I took the pics and the video after I asked Kaiden if he wanted to go see the pigs. He didn't want to leave the playground so asked Jo to play with him instead. ha! I'm the ONLY one that takes pics and that is why I am never in them. Not that you cared, but wanted to document this point for future reference. =)

Mama loves you sunshine!!! I will ALWAYS be an active part of your life...I hope you know how much I love you!!!

Happy Birthday, again, my beautiful two year old! I love you to the moon....and back! MUAH!!!!!!

Easter - part 2 & 3!

So, better late than never..right?? ;-) Kaiden enjoyed his Easter egg hunt SO much!! We actually had 3 the next night, EVEN when he discovered there was no more candy! HA! This video is the start of the hunt. He was all about some candy!! Even though we suggested finding all the eggs before eating the candy, he decided that eating all the candy along the way was a better idea! I don't blame him, really. Hope you enjoy the pics. Pay close attention to that mop on top of his head. Trust me, it will be important for part 3!

He was such a good egg finder!

Candy is awesome!!

Oh, poor doggies! No candy for you two!

"What, mom?? I'm doing it MY way!" lol.

nummynumnummnummynummmmmmnumm

He was very happy his Mimi was there to help him open eggs while his crazy mama took pics!

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Ok, this poor kid had a MOP of a hairdo! Sooo, I finally let his dada take the clippers to him...

And, apparently, cheetos trump caring about your dada cutting your hair! LOL. Oh, he so did not eat good this day!

Newly cut and not impressed!

So, there you go! That was our Easter. Holidays are so much fun now that Kaiden gets what is going on!! The next day I didn't like his haircut b/c I thought it made him look so much older. It has since grown on me and I love it! It's good for summer, too.

Love ya'll!! Peace-

Gabba Birthday!! - The Par-tay!

Here are pics from the actual party. I know it won't seem like it after this post, but I really didn't capture all the moments that I wanted to, but that's a good thing!..I was enjoying the party! =)

Kaiden was a bit overwhelmed when everyone showed up...but once he warmed up, he had a blast!!

Anabelle enjoyed the characters and the art spot.Jo and the boys in their Gabba gear.

Jace and Anabelle enjoying Kaiden's new swingset! Next was presents!! Train set. Tball Set. Movies. Books. Clothes.Money.Bath toys.Bingo.Grill.Tricycle.This is my fav pic from the day. What a happy birthday boy!!
Then we got to playing.. Kev decorated the cake b/c I ended up making my to-do list too long and was about to give Kaiden just a big yellow cake. Dada to the rescue!! You did an awesome job babe, and most importantly Kaiden LOVED it!! I have to mention that Jace was Kaiden's BFF for the day. All he wanted to do was play, snuggle and love on her all day! It was too cute!! Here's the crew in homemade (except for Kaiden)Gabba Gear!!Kaiden hydrated good after a long, but great party!! Thank you everyone who made his day super special. Whether you were there are not, you know who you are! We love you!!