True Confession

How do I put into words what is going on right now?

I have a tumor. 

Ok, so that was easy.

I have a tumor, but it doesn't define me. I have a tumor, but do not know if it is cancerous yet. I have a tumor and when the doctor gave me the worst case scenario, my heart sunk into my stomach and my tumor felt like it weighed 80 lbs.

When I walked out of the doctors office I declared to myself that I would start being a better wife. That I would support Kevin through this time, because I almost feel like he needs it more than me. A support system, I mean. My heart ached for him so bad and when I looked up at him, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be what he needed me to be b/c the puppy dog look he had on his face. I should have been strong, but I broke down instead. And he was the perfect husband and did what he was supposed to. It made me ache so much more for him.

After work, I couldn't go home. I still couldn't go be that wife I declared myself to be. And, goodness, I couldn't go look in my baby boys eyes knowing my worst case scenario. I went shopping instead. I think I must have looked at every.single.thing Hobby Lobby had in their store 2 times each. It's a big store, too. I ended up buying a decorative bird house that was 50% off. I don't like birds, but something about this bird house kept calling me back to it.

I'm not a super religious person, but I definitely have a relationship with God. He gets me. He gets me so good. And there are these dynamic times where I finally realize that He gets me and I let Him lead me and show me things that only He could make happen. This bird house for example, it was His way of telling me to stop being fearful. He is in control and He has my back no matter what. Face your fears He said. And so I bought this bird house, not that a real bird is going in it, but it's a reminder. A reminder that fears are just a feeling and just b/c you're fearful of something doesn't mean it will harm you.

On the drive home, I balled my eyes out. God released me. I had India Arie's Video on repeat and boy did I sing and cry and sing and cry. Replacing the lyrics I will always be India Arie with a very slow I will always be A N G EEEE. I wasn't afraid that I was crying too hard that I might not be driving the best and get pulled over. I almost had a feeling of welcoming a cop to stop me. I swear I would of hugged him/her so tight and just let it all out. Can't you just see me now? I have a tumor, but I'm ok. I bought a bird house and I am a Queen. They probably would have taken me to the psyche ward. LOL.

It felt good to let it out. A good, hard cry. When I was almost home, I changed lanes and God so perfectly placed a car in front of me that said Life is Good on the back. I couldn't help but smile.

Yesterday, when I broke down too, He so perfectly woke my baby up and I heard his sweet voice over the monitor. Cries are freeing, but remembering that Life is Good and hearing Kaiden's voice is so so much better. I ran to his room and hugged him so tight. We played a game on his changing table after that for a good 20 mintues. I'll never get enough of his laugh.

I couldn't help but ask Kevin last night if he'll be able to accurately convey to Kaiden how much I really love him if I died. It was so unfair, and no, I don't think I'm going to die, but my mind can't help but go there sometimes. In perfect husband fashion, he started naming little stuff I do with Kaiden that shows how much I love him. My favorite? You hide his knees.  That's the game I had just made up on his changing table. Even though I said that he couldn't just come up with stuff I just did, it made my heart smile. Those ARE the things I hope Kaiden remembers when he's older. Those are my favorite times with him. So carefree, so beautiful.

So, I have a tumor and I have yet to be the supportive wife I want to be.

Oh, but I have a bird house. I have a song. I have a wonderful, supportive husband. I have a child that lights up my soul. I have family that loves and prays for me. Best of all, though, I have a God that shows me His ways that only I can understand and appreciate. He knows me so so well. He has my back no matter what my worst case scenario is. He has a plan and I trust and believe in this plan.